Waking The Dead

"The Boring Car Guy" (theboringcarguy) 07/10/2017 at 09:08 • Filed to: None

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Just the other day I was cruising along Interstate 80 when I noticed a particularly bland car. It helped garner my attention as it was racing by in the slow lane before it cut across two lanes to make a pass through a dangerously narrow gap, only to exit the interstate at the very next off-ramp. The antics of this driver forced me to take notice, but the vapid design is what made it memorable. The sheer dullness made the lasting impression on me. The insipid dryness of the car left me asking myself, “What has Chevy done to the Malibu?”. Furthermore, should automakers even try bringing cars back from the dead?

2004 Chevy Malibu

As a kid, my good friend’s Dad had a ’64 Chevrolet Malibu. It was a two door and had enough room for the whole family (plus a friend) to go for a cruise comfortably. Although I am certain it was not stock, the brutally powerful rumble emanating from the interminable expanse of an engine bay was indeed from a 327 small block. The 327 was OEM in 1964 for the Malibu SS and it rolled off the showroom floor with 300hp.

1964 Chevy Malibu SS

Not only was the original Malibu roomy and powerful, but it looked good too. The low roof line gives the impression of seriousness, like the furrowed brow of an orthopedic surgeon preparing to conduct reconstructive surgery… with a chainsaw. Even at a standstill when the burbling V8 coupe wasn’t gulping gasoline and growling down the asphalt, it has an heir of strength, resembling a big shiny Mama bear watchfully on guard, while its cubs enjoy a strawberry milkshake at the local drive-in burger joint. The classic lines and endless fenders are a timeless design that hearken back to an era of Muscle cars that are as unmistakably American, as Pabst Blue Ribbon and shotgun golf.

This 2 door rear wheel drive sport coupe is a far cry from the timid front wheel drive, 155hp, 4 door, entirely unexciting litter-box that was reintroduced as the “new” Chevy Malibu in 1997. This late model Chevy could be summed up in three words: Double-u Tee Eff. The Chevy ‘Mundane’ would have been a much more suitable name for such an automobile. As tasteless and undistinctive as this model was at its reintroduction, leaps and bounds have been made over the 20 years it has remained in production. It’s now a solid midsize sedan. Still, it has little semblance of the rousing stalwart of the 60’s.

1971 Dodge Challenger

Another rehashed bruiser of the past is the Dodge Charger. Although it did go through a period of malaise in the late 70’s-early 80’s, it completely disappeared in 1984. When the beast awakened in 2008 it had none of the compromise seen in the revived Malibu or its own previous renditions. This throwback took all the classic design cues of its muscle-car predecessor. The front end is seemingly a quarter mile long and home to a mighty V8 Hemi. The sweeping rear quarter panels are a handsomely reworked reflection of the original. By any measure of the term, the reintroduction was a success. The 2008 Challenger re-release was originally only offered in the SRT8 variant, and equipped with the 6.1 L (370 cu in) motor boasting 425bhp, lending itself to the past as an indisputable ground-pounder. The entire 2008 U.S. run of 6,400 cars were pre-sold (many above MSRP).

2008 Dodge Challenger

Some other examples of once heralded models that have been resurrected to lesser affect consist of; the Mercury Cougar, Ford Thunderbird, Chevy

1988 Nova

Nova, Pontiac GTO, the list goes on and on. These later iterations conjure up mental images of a Voodoo witch doctor handing over a magic potion, warning an unsuspecting non-Voodooist about raising the dead and all the horrors that could befall those who try. The flip side of that coin is the Challenger, Charger, Camaro, Mini, and more recently the Fiat 124. These examples rouse images of a great Super hero commencing in an epic battle of life and death with an evil version of himself, reaching a crescendo when the hero is conveyed into a junkyard grinder that renders complete automobiles to shreds of twisted steel; coming face to face with certain doom only to explode out of the other side triumphantly slaying the antagonist with his bare hands.

Jerry Byron’s 1967 Chevy Nova 47k miles with original interior

Yes! Abso-flipping-lutely! If waking the dead legends results in one single success (as it has already), then the endeavor is well worth while. Hell, I say even if it’s a stinking flaming turd of a failure, do it anyway! Keep at it until the essence of what made the original version great is captured once again. The Malibu is somewhat an example of this. On one hand, it was brought back in 1997, and was God-awful until just a few years ago. On the other hand, Chevy kept at it and ended up with a vehicle that is regarded as a good mid-sized sedan, among most reputable automotive journalistic outlets.

1967 GTO (photo by Jason Scott)

What’s more is, this attempt by car manufacturers to revive their glory days could prove to be not only beneficial to the consumer, but a form of automotive Darwinism. Take Pontiac for example, recycling and re-badging Chevys was not attracting buyers, so they tried to capture the interest of the market with the GTO. The “Goat” had plenty of power, in fact it had the same LS1 power plant found in the Corvette of the time. What it was missing is any semblance of the original GTO despite the moniker it bared on the fender well. Actually, it was a rebadged version of an import designed by the Australian Holden company, with the power plant of an American sports car. The GTO production ran from 2004-2006, and by 2010 the GM operated Pontiac company ceased to exist. Similar stories can be told for many car companies, AMC, Plymouth, Mercury and a slew of others around the world.

One can only hope that more manufacturers take the lead of Chevrolet and Dodge and bring back some of the cars that we once loved, or die trying. Personally, I would love to see Porsche manufacture a Targa variant of the Cayman, a’ la’ 914 (the damn thing already has a mid-mounted flat 4, is a big sunroof too much to ask for?).

I leave you with one question, what automotive Idol would you raise from the dead and why?

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LongbowMkII > The Boring Car Guy 07/10/2017 at 09:31

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Chevelles are boring designs improved by nostalgia and modifications.

You’re upset about 2000's GM pasting hood scoops on an anonymous midsize coupe/sedan instead of doing the proper thing as 1960's GM did...

...Which was pasting hoodscoops on an anonymous midsize coupe/sedan.

Die-Trying > The Boring Car Guy 07/10/2017 at 09:34

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the ford model T

in SOME kind of variant, and throw in a simple eco-boost, or one of the bigger v8,manual combos out of a mustang( options buddy)......... BUT the idea is to have just a dead simple little car for commuting around in. no frills, no needless accessories. just “pure” motoring....... it would never be able to pass a crash test.......

pip bip - choose Corrour > The Boring Car Guy 07/10/2017 at 09:38

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observation of pics in article: pic used for Monaro/GTO is not a Monaro but a VX Commodore S sedan, Monaro were 2 doors only.

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > The Boring Car Guy 07/10/2017 at 09:38

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How did you miss the 3rd, 4th, and 5th gen Chevy Malibus? They were also terrible (especially the 5th gen). In fact, at this point “Malibu” has been applied to terrible cars for a longer period than it was ever applied to a good car.

Die-Trying > Eric @ opposite-lock.com 07/10/2017 at 10:04

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Wrong Wheel Drive (41%) > The Boring Car Guy 07/10/2017 at 10:16

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Mazdaspeed3. Completely different scale than what you are talking about. But there is no new MS3 for the latest mazda 3 generation. Now with the new STs, WRX, and GTI out there, I would like to see the bastard child MS3 back in the ring.

Nibbles > The Boring Car Guy 07/10/2017 at 10:22

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The Malibu is a worthy successor to the name.

Originally just a trim line for the midsize snorehouse* Chevelle, it became the platform’s name in 1978 when GM realized people would get bored of buying Chevy Chev this and Chevy Chev that . In 1983 it was replaced by the horrible, yet somehow better , Celebrity.

When the nameplate was revived in 1997 it was, sadly, a welcome addition. The Cavalier was for some reason staying compact and the Lumina was putting on weight. Families bought the Malibu in droves; as well did companies. For basic mid-size transportation it was hard to do better, especially at the Malibu’s price point.

Styling choices notwithstanding there have been some notable Malibus. In particular the 2008 redesign which, even not comparing to the previous gen, was an attractive midsize everyman sedan. The 2008 rendition was widely praised and even brought some sweaty brows to Honda and Toyota. Today’s Malibu provides five seats in reasonable comfort and some engine choices; just like its origin.

*SS models are not considered for this post

BiTurbo228 - Dr Frankenstein of Spitfires > Nibbles 07/10/2017 at 11:04

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This. A lot of the context for what older cars were actually like tends to get lost to nostalgia, particularly in the 60s. Yes cars like the Chevelle SS were rip-snorting awesome. However, the vast majority of Chevelles were about as sporting as a limp blancmange.

Compare that to the modern descendants and it starts to make more sense.

That’s not to say that the modern cars aren’t horrendously dull and not something anyone on this site would look at in a billion years. More that it’s not some almighty drop from on high. Most of them were tedious then and most of them are tedious now.

That is barring the fact that 60s cars just look better than most 90s cars. Even if the 90s car is leaps and bounds ahead in driving dynamics, it’ll still look like a melted jelly bean.

Nibbles > BiTurbo228 - Dr Frankenstein of Spitfires 07/10/2017 at 11:10

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Every decade will hold soft spots for some. The ‘60s will likely forever be considered the height of the sexy car - wide hips, low stance, design terms like Coke Bottle and Fuselage, and the ability to shoehorn just about any engine in any bay from the factory as long as you knew a guy .

BiTurbo228 - Dr Frankenstein of Spitfires > Nibbles 07/10/2017 at 11:21

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Yeah it does seem that there are certain years where a confluence of different factors led to a golden period. The early to mid 60s was a definite one of those. Muscle cars and the beginning of pony cars in the States, the height of the British sports car, Fiat, Alfa and Lancia still strong, Citroen weirdness, and the Germans had just started taking things seriously.

Another one is the early 80s when fuel injection and electronic ignition first started to get good. The mid 90s were another good one with the Japanese sports car arms race. I suppose we’re in another one now what with frankly silly power from modern turbo engines, but personally I just can’t get past the sheer lardiness of modern vehicles. Thousands added to the purchase price in lightweight materials just to get to the point where they’re 300kg heavier than their 90s equivalent rather than 500kg.

Personal preference of course :)

Eric @ opposite-lock.com > Die-Trying 07/10/2017 at 11:22

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Just because you can modify it doesn’t mean it was good.

Nibbles > BiTurbo228 - Dr Frankenstein of Spitfires 07/10/2017 at 11:24

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I love the eighties, if just for the every car looks like a wedge of cheese look

Die-Trying > Eric @ opposite-lock.com 07/10/2017 at 11:30

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yeah, they have turned into some great racecars....... mainly BECAUSE they were so horribly bad from the get go. nobody felt bad throwing the original driveline on the ground for ANYTHING else. also was why they were so easy to turn up at low prices.......

BiTurbo228 - Dr Frankenstein of Spitfires > Nibbles 07/10/2017 at 11:31

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Yeah the 80s is by far my favourite era. Fuel injection giving you power and decent efficiency with less finickyness than carbs. Cars are still basically just metal boxes so are generally lightweight. Most of the major interesting players are still making something cool/sporty/fast rather than just the Germans and the Japanese which is what the 90s landscape looks like. Cars also look seriously damn cool, as you mentioned :)

Ooh, actually, the 70s is a strong contender too. You still get the tail end of British sports cars but also have cool stuff like the 240Z and early XJS.

Maxima Speed > The Boring Car Guy 07/10/2017 at 11:41

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The 928, as a Grand Touring coupe, possibly built on a shortened Panamera chassis, with a V8 in a Front-Engined RWD powertrain configuration. Something like the picture below, except bigger and more grand tourer-like so it doesn’t compete the 911 and the Cayman too much.

Edit: wow I am getting kinja’d so hard on this one, I just wanna post a pic!

The Boring Car Guy > Die-Trying 07/10/2017 at 23:05

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“In any color you like, as long as its black”

Die-Trying > The Boring Car Guy 07/10/2017 at 23:17

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YES......

and we could charge even more for premium names, like “Speedster”, or the extra seating capacity, and “REAL WOODGRAIN INTERIOR” of the “huckster”.......

The Boring Car Guy > pip bip - choose Corrour 07/10/2017 at 23:17

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i guess i should have compared it to the picture of the LeMans. :D

The Boring Car Guy > LongbowMkII 07/10/2017 at 23:40

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To each their own, but i don’t think this is going to overwhelm anyone with nostalgia.